All I said was “That meal was good enough for Jehova”

Indeed!

When I got home from work today waiting for me in the letter box was an envelope marked “To the householder”. I opened it and a piece of paper with the following upon it (complete with errors of grammar and punctuation) was enclosed.

Dear neighbour,

My Wife and I live in the neighbourhood. We have not been able to speak with you personally, but we have some important information that we want to share with you.

A sample of it is contained in the enclosed tract.

It is our privilege to share in a volunteer work that is being done in over 200 lands. People are being invited to benefit from a program that helps them learn the Bible’s answer to important questions as:-

Why do we grow old and die?

What is the real purpose of life?

How can we find real happiness?

We engage in this ministry because we are genuinely interested in our neighbours. Our work is not commercial. It is our hope, that someday soon we will be able speak with you personally.

Please, feel free to get in touch with us at the obove address to obtain a copy of the 223 page book “WHAT DOES THE BIBLE Really TEACH”

As you can no doubt imagine I was delighted to receive this piece of religious nonsense in my letter box. Indeed I was sorry not to have been here to meet with them as I could have answered their questions for them and sent them on their way. However, lacking the means to speak to them personally I decided that I should pen the following response to their kind words.

Dear Ken and Leone,

Many thanks for your letter delivered unsolicited to my letter box today. I, too, am sorry that I was not here to speak with you as I too have important information that I wish to share with you.

I notice in your enclosed literature that human suffering is the result of God allowing people to rule the Earth themselves. He, if I understand correctly, is sitting back and watching humanity make a mess of things, but not for long as we are in the “last days”. Are these last days the real last days and the last days in 1925 and 1975 just rehearsals? Or is it possible that, in fact, there is no God?

Human suffering, I think you will find, is due to many different things. Most frequently other humans. Wars are often the result of conflicts over territorial rights and even more frequently religion, I draw your attention to The Crusades, for example . If you must cling to your notions of God then it would seem that he was responsible for quite a bit of suffering in places throughout the Middle East – killing off Palestinians here and there and plaguing the Egyptians. This seems to contradict the notion of God sitting back and watching the silly humans mess things up. As does God sending himself as his son to Earth.

I note the title of the enclosed tract is “All Suffering SOON TO END!” this is good news. Unfortunately it seems this can only happen when everyone dies except believers in your version of Christianity. It is good for you then that we are in the “end days”. On that note I would like to discuss your earthly possessions. I would be happy to take them off your hands when you head to heaven. If you would like sign something transferring to me all of your money and worldly goods after, say, five years I would be happy to oblige. Five years ought to be enough for the off and you won’t be needing them.

It is a shame that I missed you as I believe I would have enjoyed that discussion. Let me move on to you pressing questions. I note that you have been searching in the Bible for answers to these, perhaps if you widened your reading from a collection of Bronze Age stories written before any understanding of things like medicine, physics and biology you might have had more luck. To save you the trouble I have answered your questions below:

Why do we grow old and die?

Our bodies our composed of cells. Each of these contains a code (people who understand Science refer to this as DNA) that tells the body how to create more cells. There are many different types cells in the body, for example skin cells, liver cells and blood cells and over the course of our lives these die and are reproduced using the special code. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately from a world population perspective, every time a cell is reproduced there is a chance the code might be a little mixed up. Over time these little mistakes add up to a lot of mistakes and things go wrong with our bodies, eventually resulting in death.

What is the real purpose of life?

This question has two answers. One biological and one metaphysical. The biological answer that the purpose of life is to exist, live long enough to reproduce and then produce offspring to continue the species. The metaphysical answer stems from the fact that humans have developed consciousness. In short the purpose of life is to be happy and that means you can pursue any avenue that you wish. Stay within your moral code, don’t hurt other people and try to do some good. That is it. Simple.

How can we find real happiness?

I assume that this question is rhetorical. Your answer would be by becoming a Jehovah’s Witness I am sure. The real answer is as above. Find something that makes you happy – a hobby, a group of friends, an endeavour – and enjoy it.

I have no doubts that your interest in your neighbours is purely religious and while not commercial I am sure that the Watchtower and associated publications won’t sell themselves. Your free 223 page book notwithstanding. What does the Bible really teach? Nothing.

If you would like some information about atheism, science, reason and grammar feel free to contact me at the address above.

Yours sincerely,

Andrew

I think they may be barking up the wrong tree.